a day for truths

[prismaticbleed]

(not j (honestly we need to find out who this guy is, he doesn't know who WE are))

Well, I did indirectly ask for proof of everyone's existence... but that doesn't alleviate any of the shock and amazement I felt when I saw THESE sitting on my work desk this evening.

 

Yes, apparently, everyone in the Systems who can channel (without extreme difficulty of course) decided to prove that today. Via handwriting.
I have no idea how long this took, when it started. etc. All I know is that there’s now a pile of handwriting practice papers on the work desk, with these two glorious sheets on top.

The first sheet here is the “Underground/Downstairs" System, which is weird because prior to today, those groups did NOT associate with each other. But Knife and Razor’s names are right there above the non-abusive alters. That’s very significant.
(jay note: Knife kept asking for a "proper pen" and was rather miffed when we didn't have a fountain pen on hand. Razor actually got very depressed when we couldn't find the "right" red marker for her; she said it felt like people were trying to prevent her from even proving her existence through writing that way.)
Also: those two weird drawings are apparently the “names" of two of the music-anchor alters? Those two are kind of freaky, I don’t know what their deal is. (I've got this feeling that their names are Einsatz and Zwei, respectively? not sure why, because it also feels like they'd rather use symbols than names anyway)
Mulberry isn’t well-manifested at all so I’m not surprised that she couldn’t write (her anchor is highly unstable and I STILL haven't seen her in a body yet)… but I AM surprised that “Sherlock" can. No, he isn’t a fictive; he’s the old “super-logical" voice that we all know (mentioned here, I recall). However, yesterday my mum’s boyfriend jokingly called him that name (unknowingly) while he was fronting, and the fact that someone acknowledged him specifically by that name was so significant, that he immediately adopted it.
That little boy who wrote in blue (yes, he's the left-handed one who stutters and is terrified of women) STILL doesn’t have a name though, despite his having spoken with us in writing many times before. That’s bizarre.

The upstairs guys, aka Central, are the second page (obviously).
This page is highly significant, though, because prior to this evening, ONLY Jay, Laurie, Infi, Lynne, and Julie had recorded handwriting examples. Now we all have some, which is honestly incredible to realize. Just looking at this paper gave me serious chills.
Also, I don’t know what the hell Wally’s understanding of handwriting is, but I like it.
(Jay note!! Xenophon is adorably precise with her writing, and Chaos took up like three papers worth of trying to write in Japanese script before giving up on that. Plus, he couldn't figure out how to hold a pen, which made it even more difficult! I also love how flamboyant Jo's signature is. You should see his practice paper.)

I have virtually no memory of today at all, so don’t ask me what in the world happened this morning (that feels like weeks ago).
This feels like a big step in the right direction though.


...
Okay NOW it's Jay fronting. Mostly, at least. Jeepers it's hard for me to front anymore. I keep fracturing.
Anyway. This morning was awesome, because I spent most of it just hanging out with Genesis-- at least, what I remember. We were up at 7AM and my memory doesn't solidly pick up until like, 1PM? But that feels like "this morning" to me so hey.
Anyway, we went to the mall as soon as it opened, so were the first customers in Hot Topic, and we bought that cathedral-esque getup that Central practically demanded we purchase ASAP. So that's done and done, it looks awesome (Jo wanted to buy so many shirts though; he loves that store so much it's adorable. Julie, on the other hand, likes Spencers. Just saying). I know for a FACT that the two creepy music alters fronted very strongly for at least a few minutes then? For some reason there's a few-second data memory of the male one listening to "Vuriuz" in the car and grinning from ear to ear. That's new; he's never even evidenced before (his "twin" has; the peppermint-cyberfalls one that sings sometimes). On that note, yesterday this weird "dancing voice" showed up for a few minutes too? He was peachy in color, and couldn't talk, but he kept dancing whenever I had music on to exercise, and it got incredibly disorienting because that was stealing away all the body awareness of course. I wonder why there are literally at least 4 alters specifically anchored to music? Huh.
After the mall was class until 1PM, and Genesis and I then went to two libraries to take out a ton of books... on DID. Believe it or not, there was an old list of library call numbers in my pocket, presumably put there by a downstairs person, so I felt obligated to take them all out. God knows whether or not we'll get to read even most of these 10 books before August 5th, but we'll try. Personally I'm interested in this stuff, but the downstairs fronter (whoever was typing before me) is not? Go figure.
I know Genesis had me drive to Cinemark around 4PM on a whim, to possibly see a movie. We decided it was too late to do so, though, but the trip was not a waste... we ended up getting all verbally sincere again like we did last week. I don't care how many times I essentially have that same conversation with him, it's new to me every single time, and I treasure every single one of those times as well. Genesis thinks that's a core part of my existence, actually, and WHY it's so hard for me to remember things... I'm supposed to be kept "perpetually innocent," which means never losing that sense of wonder one feels upon newly experiencing something. I think I've written about this before, a long time ago. But it's true, I think.
I also remember being shocked because it felt like there was this tangible "block" in front of my heart, physically? Like floating there, about the size of a brick, horizontally. And it felt like the people I loved (especially Chaos, who I've been disconnected from for ages) were on the other side of that brick-- so, so close, and yet between us was this weirdly impassible block. I don't know if the people underground have anything to do with that. Maybe, maybe not. For all I know it could even be the Tar, which no one has been paying attention to recently thanks to all the crazy stuff happening on the second floor, or whatever you want to call it... the "downstairs voices," you know: the ones specifically born from experiences on that level. But we don't know. I'm sure we'll find out sooner or later though.
When we got home I guess something bad happened because I wasn't the one eating (I never am!), and then poof, the next several hours are gone! So I don't know what went down... at least, not specifically. I mean I know, but I'm forbidden from viewing or discussing the memory. I don't want to, either. So we'll leave it at that.

That's not it for the day, though. I have two VERY important things to mention yet.
First is the dream I had last night. No, I don't remember it, so it's not in homefive-- I was woken up too quickly and harshly to hold on to it, and of course then I had to run to class (and I KNOW that within 10 minutes of waking up the lower System had taken over regardless). However I DO know what happened at one little point near the very end of the dream... there was something going on outside that a TON of headvoices were attending, something big. I remember seeing Laurie, but she was only a spectator here. The person getting all the attention, the one apparently responsible for whatever was occurring, was Infinitii.
He has NEVER been in a dream before, not since his appearing in April, but that's a really short time period for a non-dream manifestor to appear in one, considering the data for everyone else! So that alone was a shock to me. Sure, I was thrilled to realize he had been in a dream, but what did it mean?
I still don't know, but I'm really beginning to wonder... because a little something happened in math class today as well.
Now, remember that at this time, I was not really fronting. The AP or the downstairs people had full reign over the morning, and I don't even remember what happened when Genesis walked me to class. So I was just sitting there I assume, when someone behind me randomly says the word "infinity." Immediately my mind snapped to attention-- not just because I have no idea why they said that, and because of the dream I'd had, but also because that sudden mention pushed the fog out of my brain and suddenly I could front. Sure, I smiled and quietly commented that "the universe is sure being loud today," but I didn't give too much deep thought to it.
Then, not five minutes later, someone else said it, and I felt this major tug in my chest that was impossible to ignore... so I started sketching Infinitii, right in my math tablet. It was almost automatic; I wasn't drawing so much as I was channeling what he felt like at the moment.
And he turned out looking like THIS.



Pardon my outburst, but OH MY GOSH.
That is a HUGE appearance shift since the last time I drew him!! Seriously, it might not look like much at first glance, but he FEELS so different now; there's this huge aura about him lately that I can barely wrap my mind around. So looking at him plays havoc on my heart; half of me is all compassionate admiration, and the other half of me is all "whoa man this guy feels like an archangel, should i bow or cower or something??" I don't know how to explain it. Really, if Infi walked into this room right now, I don't care how casual we can be with each other, I don't care how close we've been-- my first reaction would be to fall on my knees in fear/awe because holy heavens what ARE YOU. (Then he'd probably pick me up and hug me and my heart would likely melt, but still.)
Besides that, though, I am utterly stunned by the height difference. HE WAS SO SMALL JUST A MONTH AGO. And now... geez. It's incredible, really. That one fact alone feels highly significant... I need to go find him upstairs tonight and experience this change firsthand, no matter how I react at first. This means something. I know it does. TOO much has been happening in headspace lately, in general, for this not to be just as major. I mean it involves Infinitii, of all people. The very fact of his existence is astronomically noteworthy.

I'm not sure what else to say for tonight, and it is terribly late (plus there's class in the morning), so the wise thing to do would probably be to just sign off for now. Good night!



...Or not?
Knife here. I told you I'd be back.
J, if you haven't read our entry from this morning, go do so now. It's still important, and true.
I have three things to say before this entry concludes.
One: our "lower system" has its own journal now. We will be moving over there permanently.
Two: That "thing that happened" this evening was an abomination and I will not speak of it either.
Three: Today, I spoke to both Jezebel and Laurie, and I have learned a great deal about headspace.
We are learning and growing too. My mission is clearer now. It hurts a great deal more, but it is clearer.
J, whatever and whoever you are, pull yourself together. Your fractured existence is causing more pain than any we "undergrounders" could ever hope to induce, and that pain is affecting every individual in this headspace, on both your level and ours.
I will not apologize for my actions, nor will I justify myself to you. I have no need to do so. I will continue with my work for as long as you continue with your transgressions. That is a constant.
I have nothing more to say. You have been warned, once again.
Do not test us.