032023

[prismaticbleed]

 
(rough entry. no strength to fully elaborate.)


Up at 1045
Crazy dreams all night; apocalyptic tone

St Joseph's feast day mass for 1140
PACKED
Unexpected "Best seat in the house"-- had to sit in an aisle chair, but got a clear view of the bishop!
Radical trust prayer over low glucose; realized my faith is wavering = feeling like I have to do something about it "because God won't"??? afraid that He will flat-out refuse to answer my prayers "so I need to take action or I will die" catastrophic thinking. Upset to realize that "I" honestly STILL EXPECT God to flatly tell me "no" EVERY TIME I PRAY for help and relief and healing
"Shattered dreams" homily kept pinging Jewels = they lost EVERYTHING when the Leagueworlds were destroyed/ stolen. Literal soul murder. BUT the bishop was insisting "God can STILL put those broken dreams back together into something better for His glory". Jewels clinging to that shred of hope
"Cecelia" bloodline socials kept shifting in too? Religious "programming." Not bad, just dangerously neutral.
Genesis, Chaos 0, & Mimic reading the Scriptures with us, completely by surprise. Had to affectionately "shush" them because we couldn't hear the actual reading over their stage whispers, however faithful
Noticed our singing voice IS changing for the better? it's getting a different tonal quality. deeply comforting to hear this shift.
Lady complimenting us after Mass? don't know why. but it was very sweet of her.
Fatima grotto prayer; knelt with the kids, smiled remembering when we power-washed the whole thing

Got home, checked our mail, had tons of Eastertime donation requests. felt like obligation; we need to be prudent but not cold; tricky. instinct is to dump our whole SSI check on these organizations but that's what we used to do and we ended up having to beg for cash to buy food for ourselves.
BK prep gang. Leon spontaneously flipping the eggs partly by hand, worked better than the spatula. Scalpel thought this was hilarious, got Leon laughing too! that meant so much to see.
Spice worried about pepper quantity; "am I failing at my job"; we reassured her but this did make us more aware of possible "binge behavior" triggers
Julie took on EVOO duty, "now you'll all have to put up with me". affectionately. she took the "most important job" haha
Remember Knife & Razor, egg cutting thoughts. texture FEELS like cutting through our limbs in the past. half triggering half validating. odd emotional mix for them both. interesting to notice.
Emma ISN'T A SOCIAL! She's a Lotophagoi! THEY AREN'T MUTUALLY INCLUSIVE! Also she's a cool color!!
"Food pusher" girl is different, still no name, borrowed face. Warm color though; DEFINITELY Social roots!!

BK at 230, this actually works best with church book club later

Verse of the day reflection: 100% MIMIC. He had us play it twice. "the one who imitates evil has never seen God" etc. all about observation and becoming. the need to shift one's focus, the instinctive act of mimicry in general.
i recorded it so type about it more when we review it.
Also "GOOD FRUIT" Leagueworld inspiration w/ devotional


...

ALSO TYPE ABOUT =
"If it is clear that Jesus died on the cross for the sin of the whole world, then we must realize that it was not the Jews or the Romans, but that it was our sin that crucified Jesus. It was our sin that put Jesus on the cross. We are guilty, and Jesus was paying the price for our sin... [but] Jesus was not a helpless “victim”. He willingly laid down His life (John 10:14-18)..."
“Unless you see yourself standing there with the shrieking crowd, full of hostility and hatred for the holy and innocent Lamb of God, you don’t really understand the nature and depth of your sin or the necessity of the cross.” ― C.J. Mahaney

Thinking "when would we EVER do that", afraid it's more passive? like "if you want to do this sinful thing, then He has to die in your place" and our sinful self saying "okay fine, that doesn't affect me at all then" total callous numbhearted evil. but do we even say That??? and that's still not "shrieking." the only time we feel that way is when we're trauma-trigger-threatened. but then it's wanting to destroy something we see as actively malevolent or corrupt. very confused and shake over this. so we need to reflect on it more.




(unfinished)