found a problem

 

 

the whole body hurts.




I've found a problem

"we haven't suffered enough yet"

there's a part of us that is "totally fine" with being abused
it doesn't feel, it doesn't really "get" what is happening to the body, it's so abstracted that of COURSE it's going to be "okay with" abuse because it doesn't actually EXPERIENCE it
which is the problem
"if I can view it as non-abusive, so can you! and we should be fine."
:)

problem is there's a seven year old girl in the system who knows what rape is like and YOU KEEP TELLING HER TO JUST GRIN AND BEAR IT

FCK YOU (YEAH I'M BACK)
ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS PERSON IS IN THE SYSTEM????!!!

WHO ARE THEY

We don't know, we can't pinpoint them.

most of the sexual abuse alters are mostly noncorporeal because they don't exist outside of that context very well, or at all
the bad ones aren't allowed to exist outside of that context I don’t think



but the mother keeps telling us "you're faking" "you're making this up" "you're doing this for attention"
no one thinks we're real and no one will acknowledge that these things hurt sometimes?

so someone has got the idea
the FCKING AWFUL IDEA
to force more trauma, because "maybe if I suffer badly enough someone will SEE it and say 'yes, that is suffering,' and we won't have to doubt our own pain anymore."
which is dumb
IT'S REALLY FCKING STUPID
which part?
…

see the problem is there's also an old old teaching that "pain is dumb!" or stupid. sorry for using ableist language we don't like it either but that is the word in the "teaching." the bad teaching. false. lies.

it's the same thing that is the roots behind all the "social fronters" who exist to be "normal"

we are really beginning to despise the word "normal"

"normal" means
we don't exist.
that's the brokenhearted bottom line

"normal" means you eat the food that makes you sick and don't complain
"normal" means you ignore sensory overload and become okay with the awful loudness
"normal" means not complaining about chemical sensitivities and pollution
"normal" means talking about people not ideas
"normal" means dressing and talking and moving and being just like they want you to
"normal" means we don't exist.

normal people don't hear voices
normal people don't feel like prophets or angels a lot
"normal" means not sobbing like a wreck in church and collapsing in front of the altar on divine mercy sunday because you feel like a fcking disgrace to god and yet you also feel like god keeps putting you right back on this shining road you don't feel worthy to walk
"normal" means

if normal means perpetuating this bullshit numbness then FCK NORMALCY.

I don't want to be "normal"
I don't want to be what THEY want me to be anymore
any of them

god I miss you guys
I want you back
I want this back
I DON’T WANT TO BE "NORMAL"

where was I


but yeah that's where this abuse shit is coming from
IT'S "NORMAL" TO WANT/LIKE THAT, REMEMBER???

AND GOOD, WELL-BEHAVED CHILDREN DON'T COMPLAIN



this is sick stop typing about it
please

TOO BAD, IT HAPPENED

laurie have we suffered enough


Damn it, stop asking that infernal question. "Enough" is a word I don't want to hear you using in relation to that, all right?
You've-- we've been through hell, okay? We have. I've got the scars to prove it, inside and out. We've been through some terrifying shit and a lot of us are STILL going through some terrifying shit. It hasn't stopped, okay?
But don't you dare give me "it's not enough." Or, even better, that it's "fake." What the heck is "fake suffering" anyway?? Either it hurts or it doesn't, bottom line, and this shit hurts.
Then again, I guess you're only asking because we have numb alters who DON'T feel the pain, because they're either so bloody dissociated that someone else is feeling it for them, or because they're hackers or negative as hell and they WANT us to suffer, therefore they don't give a shit how much it hurts. That's the problem.
But forgive my rambling. I know what you're asking.
If it helps to hear it this way, "you've suffered enough to deserve healing and compassion now." Is that what you want from the family downstairs? Kid I really don't think you're gonna get it from them, okay? They don't believe in us, they don't believe in this sort of wisdom and learning, I don't think they can fcking comprehend what we've been through. So they're probably going to think we're faking forever, no matter how much proof we toss at them. Anyway it's shit and you're only going to drive yourself up the wall worrying about it, so try not to. Just… realize it's not worth you getting so anxious over it.
We are getting back together lately, slowly, but really freakin' fantastically. Just so you know. Stuff's brighter and richer in here than it's been in months, probably.

I'm gonna close this entry up because it's late and I don't know who the heck is typing so fragmentedly at this hour… brain's a mess and we're tired, body's kind of sick, but it could've been worse. That's a very positive statement in this context. We did a heck of a lot better today than we could have, even with how rough it was. Upward spiral, kids.

Seriously though, good night. There's so much to think about, let's wait until after therapy this week to put a legit entry together.

You kids deserve to be happy and healthy and peaceful and unafraid. That's what Knife and the other Retributors and the Protectors like me are all trying to ensure for you, I promise. With every step I take that's what I'm going for.

To hell with anything or anyone that says you "have to suffer more." That is absolute nonsense and I will not stand for it.
No one "deserves" to bleed. NO one "deserves" to be used. That is... I can't even talk about this, I'm sorry, it's getting me nauseous.

Look for me if you need help, me or anyone else in Central. We're here for you and we will not hurt you.
I swear to you, I would rather die than break that promise. It's why I'm here.
We'll get through this. All of us. All right?